Because of Sharon
By Mike KaminskiSharon's story is not unique; however, it does need to be told. See, her story, although very painful and tragic, is also very powerful because of the inner loudness that was covered over and muffled by the outer silence of her personality. A personality that created and developed an inner environment of self-protection that would allow people to enter only so far pass the guarded wall.
Sharon Louise Fisher graduated from high school in 1969. Although the decade of the 1960's, a time of peace, a time of war, a time of love and a time of revolution was coming to an end, her life and future was just beginning to be pieced together.
Sharon entered a local Ivy League university and majored in Psychology. And like the turbulent times of the 1960's, her life would also experience love, war and revolution; however, Sharon would not find peace. Maybe she never really found real peace until her life finally came to an end in this world. I believe that many women can relate to that fact of life.
Now, not much is known about Sharon's life during her university years because no one really knew her. Even in her sorority house, Sharon never talked about her life, relationship, or the secrets she was keeping personal and within. Her room in the sorority house had been a closet that had been converted into a small living space. And that fact is really symbolic of Sharon's life in the relationship she had entered and accepted.
Sharon was extremely intelligent. Although we know that intelligence is not a safeguard or prerequisite in a relationship that, on the surface, appears to be love. However, we might ask ourselves "What is love, anyway?" See, many times, beneath the visual image of what we hope love to be, we live with what really exists: control, manipulation, brain washing and many other forms of hidden abuse.
I believe that many people search for love their entire lives and do not really find it. Sharon searched in the early years. However, what she really found and eventually lived with was not love. Instead, what Sharon lived with was an ugly two-headed monster.
Sharon had so much potential. And like many young women, she had dreams and goals. She graduated with a degree in Psychology from a highly respected university. And now she had the whole world ahead in her future. The year was 1973. In fact, here husband-to-be also graduated that year from the same university. They were married very soon after graduation in the university chapel. It appeared, on the surface, to be a storybook affair. Although, for Sharon, the fairytale was actually a nightmare.
Sharon said, many times, that she did not want to get married. She did not want to walk down the aisle on her wedding day. She even cried before the long walk. However, she was expected to follow through with her commitment. Everything was paid for.
Her wedding night was not a blissful event. Although it was her time of the month and she was sick and in a lot of pain, her husband still expected to have sex. It was not something that they had not done before; however, Sharon was still expected to perform her sexual responsibilities.
During the early years of their marriage, her husband became progressively more abusive. She endured sexual, mental, physical, emotional and psychological abuse. Where he would hit her, the physical marks would not be visible but the emotional ones remained. He threw her down the stairs. He forced sex when she did not want to do anything. He insulted and humiliated her in public.
Sharon became increasingly ill. Her anorexia began to be more visible. She could not maintain any job and was terminated several times because of poor health reasons. Her self-worth continued to be lowered, not only because of the abuse, but also because of her limited ability to hold a job. During those years, the abuse continued. The sexual abuse. The mental abuse. The physical abuse. The psychological abuse. Sharon became even more anorexic. At one point, she only weighed about 55 pounds. She wanted to look ugly so he would stop forcing sex on her. He even made her wear specific outfits. Sharon made the decision, early in the marriage, never to have children because she did not want to bring any child into a marriage like this, or into the environment she was living in.
No one really knows when Sharon finally broke away from her husband. However, her eating disorder continued. She developed more severe mood swings. No one understood what Sharon was experiencing. No one really wanted to listen to her cries. And so, Sharon was stereotyped, labeled and placed in several psychiatric facilities.
Sharon was not mentally ill but her nightmare continued to be part of the reality of her existence. Sharon was labeled as a threat to herself. And so, this once young, very beautiful, very intelligent woman who had dreams and goals in life began to be controlled by a society that really did not understand Sharon or women like her. Sharon began to give up on life. She lost her trust in people. People hurt her.
See, Sharon went from an abusive and controlling relationship with a man who abused her to being abused and controlled by a society that could not understand her. Even the people who said they loved her really misunderstood Sharon. And maybe Sharon really did not understand "Sharon". She had escaped one controlling way of existence only to find herself trapped in another form. However, Sharon could not escape this time. She was helpless and overpowered by a society that stereotyped her as mentally ill. Her faith and trust in people was finally stripped, just like every other thread of independence she ever had. Sharon lost the desire to feel loved. She could not say "I love you." She never completely believed those words again.
Sharon had a massive heart attack in 1985. She should have died. However, God had another plan. Sharon lived with a damaged and weak heart that only functioned at about 13 percent. But, Sharon lived. From 1985 to the time Sharon came into my life, she lived on Social Security Income, government health insurance and medical assistance. She always felt like she was living off other people. She felt like she did not deserve this money or assistance. Sharon felt that she was not productive to society. She felt that she was worthless and useless. However, Sharon still had pride.
Sharon and I came together through the personals. We met, physically, on December 13, 1998. When I first saw Sharon, I also saw the woman I was going to marry. At least, the woman I wanted to share the rest of my life with. I fell in love with her that first night.
We talked for hours in the restaurant. She told me that she was dying. She told me that she had graduated from Bucknell University. She told me that her food budget was $50.00 a month. She told me that the rest of her same assistance was used to pay bills and take care of her dog and three cats.
We walked through the mall that night like two young kids holding hands. Sharon sat on Santa's lap and they took her picture. She looked like a little girl. Sharon was going to send this photograph to her brother in San Francisco. She had not seen him in 5 years. When we said goodnight, that night, Sharon kissed me on the cheek. At this time, I did not know about her life or abuse. To me, it was the best kiss I ever had.
Sharon had another very serious heart attack in January of 1999. I began to live with her. We said our vows on February 13th, 1999 in a little Roman Catholic Church. We were not Catholic. This was exactly two months after we met. We were never officially married; however, we were One in Spirit. We were married in the eyes of God. We were soul mates.
Sharon asked me to take her to see her brother in San Francisco. She never had the money and she was too sick to travel alone. We went to San Francisco for her birthday that year.
We had a home built in 2001. It was not our dream home; but it was all I could afford. And it was better than Sharon's mobile home. But each year, Sharon's health became progressively worse.
We always slept in separate rooms. Sharon told me early in our relationship that she did not like sex. She told me that if I wanted to stay with her there would be no physical involvement. She did not like to be touched, held or kissed. She did not want anyone next to her in bed. Sharon had her own microwave, refrigerator and television in her room. Many times, she would not talk for days. We had very little social life. We stayed home most of the time, except for going to the store or the doctor. We went from courtship to retirement in 6 and ½ years.
Her "world" was flowers, planting and gardening. Her "life" was to spend her days outside in the Spring, Summer and Fall on nice days and work in the soil. As long as she felt good, she was working in the garden. No one could hurt her in that world. Sharon also rescued cats. Today, I have 15 cats living with me.
As Sharon's heart and health grew weaker, I worked at home more and more. I had a private practice as a counselor. I was also an ordained minister. I gave up the counseling work.
During the last summer of her life, 2004, Sharon passed out 3 times outside as she worked with the flowers and plants. Every time, I would need to call the ambulance. She did not know where she was. She would foam at the mouth. They would take her to the hospital. She would recover in the emergency room and sign herself out of the hospital.
Sharon hated hospitals. She used to remember the treatment she received in those psychiatric hospitals during the 1970's and 1980's. She had been misdiagnosed and pumped up with fluids because they thought she was too thin. She had been placed in the in house psychiatric unit at Geisinger Medical Center, another psychiatric hospital near Washington, D.C., and then Danville State Hospital. Sharon was not mentally ill. She was anorexic because of her painfully abusive and destructive marriage.
In December of 2004, Sharon was told that she needed a pacemaker. And so, the day after Christmas, she had the operation. However, it did not function properly because she needed a third wire attached to the lower part of her heart. The doctor could not attach the wire because her body frame was too small. Sharon's heart continued to fill up with fluid. Early in February, Sharon had to return to the hospital to have the fluid drained again. This was supposed to only be a temporary fix.
On February 24th, 2005, we met with Dr. Ed Woods. Dr. Woods is a very talented and wonderful heart surgeon at Geisinger Medical Center. He told Sharon that she needed an immediate heart operation to replace a mitral valve. If she did not have the operation, Sharon would be dead in a couple days. Dr. Woods was very confident and positive that Sharon would live with this operation. That night, Sharon needed to be alone. I could not sleep. The morning came too soon.
On February 25th, we drove to Geisinger. Sharon went upstairs for preparation about 7:30 in the morning. The surgery did not begin until about 2pm. I waited until the operation began and then went home to feed the cats.
It was snowing as I drove home. As the snow began to fall at a faster and heavier rate, I had a sad feeling. When I was getting ready to drive back to the hospital I got stuck in the driveway. I could not get out. I called the hospital to tell them that I could not come in because of the storm.
The operation was only scheduled to take 5 hours. I received a telephone call from Dr. Woods about midnight. He had just come out of surgery on Sharon. He told me that the heart operation went well; however, Sharon was in very critical condition. She had every machine available hooked up to her body. Dr. Woods stayed with Sharon for two days.
Sharon never came off of life support. Her body functions and organs began to shut down, one by one. Sharon had to have a tracheotomy. The hole in her throat was bigger than the tube. The fluids and infection would come out of the hole around the tube. Sharon was on life support for two months in this way. She never ate solid food again. During the eighth week, the supervising nurse told me that Sharon was never going to leave the hospital. The doctors never had said anything. They only wanted me to sign consent forms. However, Sharon and I were never officially married.
When the nurse told me Sharon did not have a chance, my heart dropped. My faith was gone. My anger toward God and the medical staff became stronger. I called an old friend who was a minister and asked him to marry Sharon and I in the hospital. It was a Friday night. I kept my promise. I had told Sharon when we first came together that if she is on her "death bed", I am going to marry her. Sharon was conscious. She even gave me a kiss. It was as good as the first kiss she gave to me on the night we first met. I stayed with Sharon for most of the next three days.
On Monday, April 25, 2005, Sharon Louise Fisher Bassett died as the technician shut down the machine. I continued to talk to her until she was gone. When she was pronounced officially dead, a part of me died along with Sharon.
There are two images of Sharon that I will never forget. The first night I met her when she sat on Santa's lap like a little girl. And the last time Sharon waved to me as the elevator door was closing and she was going up to be prepared for surgery.
Sharon taught me how to love. She taught me the meaning of loving someone more than myself. Sharon gave my life meaning and purpose. She changed my life. Sharon was the only woman I ever truly loved. I understood that I was not the kind of man that she had hoped to marry in life. However, I also believe that she knew I loved her.
It took me a long period of time to work through the anger. However, once I accepted the reality of life with Sharon and that she was dying from the first night I met her, then I began to search for a reason why we came together.
In September of 2005, The Sharon Fisher Bassett Memorial Fund was established. This fund was created to financially support workshops, lectures and other programs on Domestic Violence and Eating Disorders. All programs are open to the community. The mission of The Sharon Fisher Bassett Memorial Fund is education and community awareness of the signs, symptoms and characteristics of the potentially life-threatening diseases of Domestic Violence and Eating Disorders.
In September of 2005, I also created The One Magazine on the Arts and Entertainment. The original goal of the publication was to financially fund the Memorial Fund. However, the magazine has also become a "voice" for Sharon's cause. A section of each issue is dedicated to The Sharon Fisher Bassett Memorial Fund. We are potentially the only independent arts and entertainment publication in the nation to present articles and interviews each issue on domestic violence and/or eating disorders. Due to the loss of writers and financial problems, the magazine's last publication date was September 2008. The magazine died but not the spirit of my love for Sharon.
A play written by Danielle Renee Scott called A Rose For Sharon was performed in October 2008 as part of a workshop, a TV interview on Channel 22 was in May of 2008. Right now I am working on a Woman's magazine for Columbia and Schuylkill Counties in Pennsylvania where we will keep alive the Memorial Fund and Picking up the Pieces. Mary Anne Mackey-Wisor, the editor of Picking up the Pieces, changed it from a local column in our written magazine to this site so that there is a forum to continue to share and heal. Last of all, Mary Anne and I plan on collaborating on a book called Picking up the Pieces to further share the stories that have been shared with us. Thank you for helping us continue to change lives one day at a time in Sharon's memory.